A Book is born
I want to write a book about my life in a romance fiction style and I’ll use this blog to tell you my story in a more real way, a way to write it step by step.
Intentions clear – Memories not so
I can’t remember much about my childhood on the one hand and on the other hand there are many things I can remember, I feel, especially strange details like; The clothes and smell of the house, the furniture and its colour, my temperament and the way I was with my mum, how I felt in school and at certain events in life.
But they are all but fragments of my mind and memory which I can’t call accurate and therefore want to write a more romance novel styled book in such a way you can still see it’s me and at the same time observe the general tendency of my inner growth and awareness which all leads to this moment in the now. Which is in no way a complete story, I am only forty, but on a more happy note: “who knows when this life will end??!!”
See my mind & life develop
So events might have occurred or not occurred but …in reality that doesn’t matter. I’ll be true with the feelings I had about myself and the relationships I fostered at any stage in my life and as I get closer to todays truth I’ll be more truer with facts as I’ll simply remember better.
The Sun always shines
In general when I think about my life it is filled with a deep golden and warm shine. Though there were events and episodes in my life that were very turbulent and not so shiny but they took place in a land where there is simply more sun and I felt life intensely, like the warmth of the sun on your skin. Anyhow these darker events they have always brought me further on the path of coming closer to my very own true nature.
In the light that I have become a Buddhist from the age of thirteen, it marks much of what I have done in life. I have done things in a strict manner or have gone against the grain as I strongly believed in something other than myself i.e. Buddhism, but before that there also was a deep instilled wisdom and guidance which has been there from the moment I have been born.
I will write this book in dedication of the men in my life from the beginning till today whom are just as significant as the women in my life but somehow rather the men have always changed the course of my life more dramatically whether by my own choice or because of life events taking shape or my Karma ripening.
Me through them
The absence of a father – almost right from birth -, or him being a Muslim Moroccan with a Dutch wife, whether my grandfather which never seemed to like people much but did more than tolerate me, the crushes I always had on boys in early childhood and still have from time to time on meaningful & wonderful men and women. Whether it be the real first physical & emotional falling in love with a first boyfriend, or meeting my guru, meeting the fathers of my children or having and raising my children who themselves are, as you can now understand, both boys. Indeed they all have shaped my life in very significant ways.
The women have always been strong influencers but never in a very vocal way. The opposite is truer, they have been there almost always accepting me as a strong willed force and even though they had their own thoughts about my being or doings have never been very vocal about my plans or ideas if they didn’t agree. The women in my life are strong beings but in my opinion have gone (or are going) through a similar kind of growth as my own and are on the same path, the men definitely haven’t all been on the same path whereas most of the significant women in my life are. These women represent something more connected with the continuous spiritual life and subtle inner growth which they help to spur on more finely in me. The women in my life do have an important place but probably that will be another book.
The female side of things
There is much to say about the women in my life but I need more time to feel and see the subtle energy and influence they had and still have. Really all of these *Dakinis are of a more subtle influence on my life and on top of that great, great teachers on my path. Anyhow they deserve, and will get, their own book.
I will further tell my story – parts of it – when I feel like it and have the inspiration to write about it. It might not even be in chronological order. Maybe difficult but I feel it will make for an interesting read next to the blog posts about my more present state of mind and feelings of nowadays.
Names and event and places might have been changed though the men in my life will know who they are, that is, if they want and/or are still able to read this book.
– Much Love – Radia
*Here the Daka & Dakini, generally of volatile or wrathful temperament, acts somewhat as spiritual muse (or inspirational thought forms) for spiritual practice. Dakas & Dakinis are energetic beings in (fe)male form, evocative of the movement of energy in space.