So I left the story last time just before K promised me I would never regret taking him home with me that night so I’ll start there. (missed the first part? Read it here)
We still had quite a bit to walk down and we walked slowly, we weren’t talking and neither of us was trying to fill up the silence. K had that effect on me. He excited me and made my desires rise like it could hit no ceiling and at the same time he was as cooling as a summer breeze when you have a fever. As I had said before he was like medicine.
At some point he just said that in all the manners that we can speak; slow fast, angry etc., we would make love. I didn’t answer but shuddered, something that seemed to come from the inside of my spine, totally blocking all thoughts. I was in the now, a total blissful feeling where nothing else mattered apart from being there with him.
I viewed him like a god and way, way, way out of my league. Not at that moment, but later that week I know I was totally confused that a guy like him wanted to be with me. When I asked him he was clear in his answer. He wished I could see myself through his eyes and he saw my lack of confidence and believe in myself. He wanted to show me how much power and strength and beauty I had and how mesmerizing my being was to many. He felt I was like a magnet of good and sensuality, but he knew words would never do the trick. It might sound pedantic now but honestly it was a blessing to me, and a very important one at that.
At the same time he was honestly enjoying himself very much in my company and I feel we were in balance as long as I didn’t start thinking or worse overthinking about the fact that the weeks end was drawing closer and he had to leave back to Delhi.
In that week I leaned to surrender and not be worried about loosing control. He had my total trust, was totally discreet and at the same time unapologetic about being with me. He never said: “actually you are not my type but….” Or things like: “if you would loose a little weight you would be really beautiful, desirable etc”. K just was and he also just was with me, no questions asked.
To continue: We arrived home and before we entered he asked me again one last time if I was sure I wanted this. I became a bit defiant and asked him angrily if he thought I was still a virgin, I rambled on that I was my own woman and made up my own mind etc. He looked amused and simply silenced me by kissing me, slowly pinning me against the door of my house, cupping my face with one hand and with the other supporting my neck with a rather delightful warm hand. Something that can make me go weak at the knees even nowadays.
I say I was big, surely larger than the average Tibetan and K wasn’t tall but he had what you can call a more wealthy body and wasn’t as taught and skinny as most Tibetans were. He matched my body perfectly and I never felt big next to him.
Anyway thanks for your patience so far. Now onto what you are really here for.
We entered the room and as I walked over the threshold all my shyness and hesitation all mental demons were right back overcrowding my little head. My self-confidence of earlier on the road had totally vanished. K saw it and administered me to the bathroom with a “go freshen up and change into something comfortable!,,. I was too shy and too scared to not agree and so I went to the bathroom and freshened up, changed into my pyjamas and stepped back out into the room again. When I came out, the heather was on, he had some candles burning, music playing on my cassette recorder and he was sprawled across my bed looking at pictures and study books and some other stuff from the cupboard which served as a head board.
I just stood there not entirely sure what to do and even though I can be the aggressor in romantic encounters, I at that point was like a lamb that was about to be brought to the slaughter. He looked at me and started laughing at my Men’s pyjama and asked whether that was my idea of sexy. I just managed a faint smile. The next moment I don’t know what happened as all went so quick. He jumped up and stood on the bed, making me giggle, turned me with my back towards him, reached for my hands from behind and pulled me in an embrace whilst falling down on the bed. He started snogging my neck and cheeks and whispered sweet nothings – in Tibetan – in my ear.
Actually until that point I never had thought the Tibetan language could be so erotic, but hearing him say things in Tibetan turned me on beyond compare. At some point I remember I was consumed by desire and all I wanted to do is look at him. Look him in the eyes, see his smiles and teasing and how his eyes changed with everything he did. I wanted to kiss him and see where it would lead. And so I did, I turned round, kissed him with my eyes open and he also kept on looking at me, and our desire went through the roof. Our first time was hot, fairly quick and needy, very needy, almost aggressively so.
I remember the room felt still quite cold as my heater took quite a long time to heath up the room but we never felt the cold at all happened above the sheets. Before my first time with him, I never had experienced a proper Orgasm, it always took me long and I never really surrendered, at least not until that point. But K managed somehow to make me forget my inhibitions and lead me past many of my thresholds. I remember afterwards I felt ashamed and shy and brazen at the same time. My cheeks rosy and content, swollen lips and I felt my muscles go sore slowly right after we finished. He was content, closed his eyes held me and started talking, all in Tibetan , because after he saw my Tibetan instruction books he never spoke English to me ever again.
He talked and talked and I dozed off into a lovely dreamless sleep, until he woke me, as he needed to use the toilet and I lay there awake and thinking how I would initiate the love making from my side this time and not be such a coward. He returned in all his nakedness stood there for a lingering second and honestly I looked at him like I never saw a naked man before.
He laughed as I guess he found my shame and shyness very entertaining. He jumped the bed and tickled me till I begged of him to stop and I tickled him back but he wasn’t much affected by it. He told me to relax and to go with the flow and all would happen naturally. The funny thing was my Tibetan wasn’t that good yet, but somehow I understood all he said and wanted to get across. I also remember the desire that rose in me when K touched my body. Every touch led to me wanting more, and because of that I initiated our love making many a time that week.
The fear I couldn’t survive his teasing and tantalising helped me overcome some boundaries of my own mind and body too, some of them never to return again.
We did things that week, which till date turn my cheeks red, and I even feel flustered writing about it now. I did things I didn’t even really like (still don’t) or feel comfortable with. But with K none of that mattered. It was all good, safe, enjoyable and above all, very reciprocated. The balance of what he wanted and could give was very much in sync with what I wanted and could give. There was nothing K asked of me I didn’t want and in turn, my request were never met with a “no” either.
You can understand it was a wondrous week. We went out with our friends and have dinner only to have them tell us to bugger of as we made them sick of raunchiness. We didn’t actually touch but our looks left nothing left to their imagination or rather they could imagine it all.
He made me so happy! I went to class, made tons of progress and after class K was waiting for me as a lunch break outside my house, and would make love in the faint sunlight of winter. Knowing no one would dare to disturb us this week. Or we just kissed hot and heavy making us both yearn for the evening or night. We did it on purpose. Seeing how long we could last, or who would last the longest, or would beg for release first, after which we would start all over again. That week lasted so long and was so short at the same time. I don’t know how we managed to see a movie, go to see a play, went drinking and dancing all on different nights and still make love every night and moreover more times than one in the same night.
It wasn’t all about sex. It was about being accepted and loved and seen and revered and adored and giving back more that I was able to receive through which I was able to receive even more. The giving and taking was phenomenal on all aspects and my mind was slowly quieted down during that week. It felt like a retreat and it had this rejuvenating effect on us both.
Afterward I heard from friends, his parents and family got word of our week and they were not amused that he enjoyed himself with an “Ingie” (foreigners in Tibetan). Our mutual friends told me many a time that they were amazed by our connection and they said normally K was bored very quickly with anyone and everything. But they could see that he was so into me and they didn’t understand why I agreed not to be in contact after that one week or even why he insisted on that.
Between you and me, we were both too young, both started our studies just that year and both had so much to do still before settling down. I was ok with it, even though I was heart broken I somehow knew so much bliss couldn’t last forever. He meant the world to me and changed my outlook on sexuality and my self worth completely.
He gave me a choice! A choice to have self-respect, not let others treat me like dirt, and take advantage of my burning desires, sexual free spirit and sweet soul. He gave me the power of comparison: this is how things can be as well.
Years later when I was long time married I met him online again and we both reminiscent about life and the course our life’s had taken. How we both had our share of difficult relationships and how life was at that very point in time. I realised one thing we were kindred spirits as many of life event had taken shape in a similar manner. We of course remembered that week too and both felt shy. But we kept on talking and ultimately he started talking to me in Tibetan again, which helped me to reopen some mental folders where my Tibetan was stored and pointed out to me what fortune I had in my own present relationship though at that point I wasn’t so sure. He again led me on the right path of thinking – as a Buddhist – at the right time and reminded me of my own capacity to love and give and transform all around me if only I would see and open up.
You see I firmly believe he is a Daka, a male form of a Dakini, helping Buddhist practitioners in different (needed/most useful ) ways to walk the path.
I hope you liked my trip back down memory lane – I know I did…
Love you much – Radia, The Unusual Yogini