It seems I have come into a strong transitioning period, like nothing really works like it ever did before.Like my hunger to loose weight (contradictory almost) & looking at/changing my behaviour has really shifted a lot of things for me. I am not saying it is bad, it’s just very, very different. I feel like “out of character” all the time. At the same time I feel I’m seeing the more darker and deeper sides of me popping up. Like corks to the surface of liquid and to not answer with food is a challenge to say the last. A lot of it has to do with being successful which at present I don’t really feel/experience as something I am or achieving. Rationally I can grasp and talk myself into feeling better or more down but for the time being I’m just letting it be, however uncomfortably so. Not totally letting it drag me down but rather feeling the weight of the ideas and looking at that uber critical person I seem to have inside of me. A monster she is…I am somewhat shocked at seeing her in her fuller size (pun intended) and honestly speaking whilst writing this now my heart beats a bit faster and my palms are slightly moist.
I don’t want to sound depressed, but going through the motions, decisions can’t seem to be made. I make some and than stop again for I cannot seem to get behind them fully to see them through. Like I’m very lost.
I have a business which isn’t running or making money, some good products and ideas but not being able to pull it through fully somehow, at this moment, but even that is transitioning only or so I feel in the depth of my heart. I’m not feeling bad and am not self pitying, …but these days I seem not to have the strength to be so widely spread in my activities. I actually have almost always enjoyed being involved in a multitude of activities but for the first time in life I would want a simpler, different, more structured life, and want it to be more quiet inside my head.
Probably it’s just a phase, as the watching of my habits of mental pathways, expressed in thoughts and beliefs, are almost a full time job at the moment leaving fairly little space to do anything or feel anything else. , .but it also does not seem fruitful yet to be so observant.
So this is not a pity party, or not for you to pity me, I’m just opening up over the things that are happening to me in my life right now. In many ways this post make me hopeful too as mostly I report to all of you after the facts have passed and all I can say is – right now I’m in the middle of it or at least in it and not through it fully yet. I don’t know, CAN’T SEE, where it will end!
The sky is clearer than ever right now this summer but inside my inner sky is clouded, the inner voice and some other qualities obscured and I’m not really hurrying to uncover it either.
Some teachers in buddhism say that this phase is necessary to grow and that is a great way of looking at it…maybe i’m becoming more aware and am cutting through a lot of inner bulshit as at the same time joy remains too,
Tell me what you do in such situations not really happy, not really sad, not actually depressed but…you know what I mean ,,,, let me know what you do when looking at the reflection of the ocean of your mind?
Much Love From, Radia – The Unusual Yogini
PS: while finishing this blog post I decided to google the astrology of planets passing and look at what I found here (THIS EXPLAINS A LOT and actually makes me smile with some small flicker of hope in my heart that I can somehow pass the buck and elope from my own responsibility…But who am I Kidding certainly not YOU!)
PSS: HAPPY INT. KISSING DAY